The office was sweltering, and my too-tight polyester suit jacket wasn’t helping. Sweat trickled down my back and gathered on my upper lip. My heartbeat was the bombardment of a rock drummer solo. My sharp intake of breath alarmed Mimi, my dear friend, and co-worker.
“Are you okay?” Mimi’s eyebrows raised in concern.
“I just realized that I forgot to pay my credit card in time and they’ve raised my interest rate to 24%. I can’t believe this is happening. I’m already struggling to pay my ridiculously high rent.” My voice cracked, and I was on the verge of tears.
“You have to get control of your spending if you want to overcome this problem.” Mimi was terse. She didn’t normally speak with definitive declarations, she was more inclined to speak in a roundabout manner, leaving out opinions and skirting around the edges of any controversy.
Shocked that she wasn’t immediately sympathetic I looked at her and realized she had something to say, and because she is important to me, and because she is one of the most remarkable women I had ever had the privilege to know and work with I prompted her to go on, “I don’t know what to do.”
“You must bring your lunch to work every day.”
“Yes, I guess that might help…”
Mimi interrupted, “Every day you come to work and get a big breakfast from the restaurant across the street, and then you buy a big lunch from one of the restaurants downtown. You have to make food at home and bring it with you. That will help you save money.”
The end of a life changing conversation and the beginning of a new path.
That was the end of my life-changing conversation with Mimi on that topic, and of course this many years later, while the dialogue may have been less dramatic, the implication and impact of her words were impactful, life-changing in fact. The rest of the day I thought about what she said. One thing was clear, after a year of watching me deteriorate emotionally, physically, and socially, she’d had it. While I can’t say that she was angry with me, I believe she’d finally lost patience, and rightly so. For the past year, since the day when my 24-year marriage dissolved I had turned into a person, I would not recognize now, whiny, drunk, sullen, angry, and self-pitying…
Previous to the end of my relationship, I was a confident professional, succeeding in my career. I’d been awarded salesperson of the year. I was elected to serve on the board of directors for a professional association and was awarded the national president’s award as well as the chapter president’s award for my service. My daughters were both in college and doing well. My life seemed to be going ideally. But that changed when my husband left our marriage abruptly. We became estranged overnight, and I wasn’t coping. The sudden loss was crushing, and without my partner, my husband, I had no person to share my grief, fear, and shame with. I had the good fortune to have Mimi to turn to, but of course, she was my friend, and not a built-in emotional support team, and naturally, she’d had enough.
I’m grateful for Mimi’s advice. Her unusual demeanor that day struck hard. It was the slap in the face I needed. Later that day after work I began the process of understanding how I got into financial trouble over the past year, and what I needed to do to get out of trouble.
Recognizing that I created my financial misery.
The first thing I realized was that I was overextended. The weight of debt is crushing. I have been out of debt since 2011, and I have a difficult time recollecting those feelings because feelings are transient, but I learned enough over that time to know I never want to have that feeling of vulnerability again.
The feeling of vulnerability was compounded because as a single woman I no longer had the safety net of a second income. As a married person, I could always count on my husband should I come up short, and he could count on me. Alone, I had no one to turn to. No one would judge me if I drank too much. No one would judge me if I chain-smoked. No one would judge me if I used retail therapy to diminish my heartache.
In my marriage, ordering groceries online for delivery was forbidden, due to my husband’s imagined idea of a precise selection of fresh foods. But even in 2007 when grocery delivery was less common, in fact, it was a new service; I understood that at the grocery store every pork chop was identical. How would the size and shape of pork chops change if I had them delivered versus selecting them from the refrigerator section at Safeway? He didn’t believe this was true. It was just one of several areas where I was asserting myself, and he wasn’t happy about it.
By the time I was living on my own, I didn’t care if it was true that I would get the identical pork chops from the store as I would with delivery. I only cared that my giant wine box, my case of beer, and my massive bottle of whiskey could be delivered and that I didn’t have to carry them up three flights of stairs along with my other groceries. This was one of many self-pitying actions I was engaged in over the course of that year. The night when I returned to my shitty one-bedroom apartment I recognized that I had to make changes because Mimi shined a light on where I could start.
The journey from deep debt, home foreclosure, deep depression, and poor health, to debt-free, happiness, and balanced health, began with the frank conversation I had with Mimi. I don’t think she knows how much her comments affected me. How often do we say things to people and influence the way they perceive life? Most of us will never know how we have influenced others. I’m eternally grateful for Mimi’s candor.
I needed to actively take steps to control my finances.
The evening after my conversation with Mimi, I sat down and thought about what steps I would need to take to become a person I admired. A person who had control over her finances, her health, her relationships, and her professional life. It all began with the understanding that my debt load was not manageable and that I needed to do something. I took Mimi’s advice and began preparing my breakfast and lunch each day. I didn’t change my life overnight, that’s not how motivation works, you don’t acquire the motivation to exercise; you exercise and become motivated. My commitment to saving money by bringing breakfast and lunch was the start of something that snowballed into a lifestyle of frugality, experiences, and joy. Over time.
The Chinese proverb, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”, is correct. I am a work in progress, always striving. There are times when I say to myself, “I’m 57 years old, do I have to try so hard? Can’t I just give in to an easy existence? Can’t I stop eating healthy food, stop exercising, stop meditating, go on a shopping spree and stop trying?” At times I feel compelled to drift back to a life of carelessness. But I know from experience that carelessness leads to a much harder life.
My mother used to say, “A stitch in time saves nine.”
This saying was utterly confusing to me as a kid. No matter how many times she tried to explain it to me. Now of course I understand that the hole in the toe of my sock will only get worse if I don’t mend it. Similarly, maintaining a frugal life and healthy life takes focus daily. My lovely life can unravel if I’m not diligent. Honestly, diligence is satisfying in its own way. There is an ego stroke that accompanies perseverance, especially when viewed over the course of a long period of time.
The results of my actions have created a life I love.
In 2007 I would not have imagined that I would one day have traveled to over 20 countries. I would not have imagined having the financial stability to pursue a career as a freelance writer. I would not have imagined a spouse who listens when I speak or cares about my outcomes. But here I am, living the life I choose. It’s not a life many would admire; I don’t have designer clothes, swell shoes, manicured nails, or a leased Mercedes Benz. I do have financial stability, a job I love, zero debt, the freedom to travel at will, relatively good health. Most importantly though I have many options. That’s what a life of financial freedom buys. Peace of mind and options.
Imagine if you had no debt. How would that change how you make choices about the most impactful areas of your life? Would you change jobs? Would you leave a relationship that isn’t serving you? Would you travel more, create more, or become an entrepreneur? Would you become a collector of rare buttons, baseball cards, or stamps? Would you build a massive model train track in your basement and invite your closest friends to come to watch your model trains run on your track?
Financial freedom from a lack of debt has been one of the best choices I’ve made. It has by far influenced nearly every aspect of my life since the day in 2011 when I paid off my last loan and moved forward with my life of love, travel, and joy.
I encourage you to consider living a debt-free life, if you don’t know where to start pre-order my book “Never Worry About Money Again: Gain Financial Freedom by Becoming Better at Managing the Money You Have” due out in print and eBook February 2023. If you aren’t ready to commit to reading my book keep learning more about my experience, and how you can become a ‘frugalite’. You can subscribe to my blog below.
