Have you recently been in a conversation and found the person you are engaged with interrupts you? Or have you found you are so focused on how you want to respond you aren’t listening to what the other person has to say?
Habit ten I’m working on this year is to improve my listening skills. It’s hard, but well worth it. In fact I’ve found as I engage in active listening I’m more compassionate, less likely to feel agitated, and I learn things I otherwise would not have known.
Sage advice
Recently I was listening to an interview with one of my favorite authors, Margaret Attwood. She was asked what advice she would give to a young person, and she answered, “None.” Margaret explained that young people don’t want your advice if you are a mature person and if they did they would ask. If they ask – give thoughtful advice, otherwise don’t.
With this in mind on my phone with my daughter the other day, I just listened to what she had to say, practiced empathy, and held back on advice. What I learned was that my conversation with her felt better. I didn’t feel the pressure to offer up sage advice, to interrupt with my vast knowledge. I just listened. It was truly one of the best conversations I’ve had in a while.
Curiosity killed the cat
I’m a curious person and I know that I likely make people uncomfortable with the questions I ask. For example I have a friend who had cancer in her finger, which she ended up having amputated. When I was with her I asked her what it was like to have her finger gone. I asked because I wanted to understand her experience. I know that in some cultures this would be considered very rude. Naturally I thought about what I asked her and hoped she didn’t feel as though I was being thoughtless.
I’ve breached this sort of social boundary a lot. Most often with my children who are grown women now. I remember how annoying my mom was, and I don’t want to annoy my kids, but I want to know about them and that leads me to ask questions that I’m sure they see as me being thoughtless or annoying. After my recent conversation with my daughter, I felt great. Moving forward I will try to listen versus asking too many invasive questions.
We understand when we are being listened to
Conversely I can tell you that when I’m not being listened to, I know. Back when I was newly single, I began dating. Like many people I used a dating app to meet people. I met my spouse in 2010 on a dating app. Prior to an in person meeting I had a phone conversation with him and could tell when he became distracted. He denies that he was on the internet while we were conducting our initial conversation, but my gut tells me he either was distracted or I was absolutely boring him. I choose to believe he was distracted!
A few years back I was at a party at a friend’s home. She was a casual acquaintance and I didn’t know anyone at her party. When I arrived I hoped she would introduce me around so I could meet people without having to tap into uncomfortable “networking” skills. She didn’t come over to my side right away; she was engaged in a conversation with someone. When she did make her way over to greet me she never once allowed herself to be distracted during our conversation, she then introduced me to a couple of people and carried on with her evening. I watched as she made her way through the room greeting people and focusing only on the person she spoke with. I loved that she did this. I learned from her, and used this technique when at social gathering and found it made my experience more memorable.
Conversely when I get together with my sisters, it’s a chat fest with everyone speaking at once and everyone interrupting each other. It’s a lot of fun and the dynamic is boisterous – which I love. But in situations where I am not so familiar, the focus method is superior. It reminds me of when I was kid first learning etiquette. I was taught that etiquette is for everyone’s benefit. Common cultural behaviors guide us how to behave, and guide others how to behave. It leaves guess work out of the equation, and helps everyone feel safe and comfortable. Similarly, when you pay close attention, the person speaking will recognize the high value you place on what they are saying and will appreciate you.
Being a good listener is good for you
Imagine how a person will feel when you are truly listening. If that person is important to you, and you are truly listening, they will understand the value you place in them. That will in turn make them value you. Listening is a gift you give others and yourself.
How can we become better listeners? Here are a few tips to move you that direction-
- Look at the persons face if you are meeting in person
- Ask questions or repeat back to the person what you understood about what they said
- Don’t allow yourself to become distracted with your phone or your surroundings
- Don’t practice your response, in fact plan only to understand
- Don’t become emotionally engaged
- Use the conversation as an investment in yourself and your understanding of the person you are communicating with and their position/opinion
I’ve found that as I practice good listening techniques I enjoy the time I spend with others more. I am less judgmental and I feel more satisfied with how I’m spending my time. I think this is similar to the studies they’ve done on happiness. The experts have found that people who are fully engaged are happier. For me that is true.
Check out this great article from the Harvard Business Review regarding listening.
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