Again I read an article featuring the ludicrous statements of a very wealthy man. In the most recent article a real estate investor/motivational speaker suggested that if he earned $400,000 annually, he would feel shame.
For the rest of us who don’t earn $400,000 annually, it’s okay, you don’t have to feel shame. The reality in America is that you will be unlikely to earn $400,000 annually. If you are part of the median, you earn somewhere around $74,000 annually. Clearly, there is a big difference between what the motivational speaker has to say and the actual reality of how much the median income is in America.
I don’t think shame is a healthy motivator. I can’t imagine going through my day-to-day life feeling ashamed of the money I earn. I can imagine feeling shame if I treated someone poorly, if I was purposeful in hurting someone’s feelings, or if I behaved rudely, even if the person I was rude to deserved it. I don’t get my ego from my earning power nor do I get it from the car I drive, my children’s success, or my handsome partner.
Having a good sense of who you are because of the contribution you make to the society you live in is healthy. I can understand that if you feel like you are providing for your family and being successful at providing is a part of your ego you may have attachments to income, but earning well over $400,000 annually doesn’t equate to being a good provider.
Imagine a parent you know who spends all their time motivated to earn, how much time does that take? How much thought process goes into thinking about money versus reading to a kid? How much time does the kid have with their nanny versus a parent?
For those of us who earn under $400,000 annually but are striving to reach that goal, how much time would we have to spend plugging our kid into a screen so we can achieve this goal?
I’m specifically calling out the idea that shame would be a part of the feeling a parent or partner should have because in the article I read he specifically cited he would feel shame as a husband and father.
Perhaps because he is so wealthy he can spend a great deal of time with his children and partner because he can pay people to do the work that most of us must do on our own. How many of us would love to have someone else scrub the toilet, go to the grocery store, or cook our dinner?
To overcome the time spent ignoring a family to earn $400,000 annually or more a person would have to hire all manner of professionals to cover the normal day-to-day life errands we all accomplish because they are time-consuming.
I remember reading about a high-paid executive who went back to work two weeks after giving birth. No doubt she had a nanny to take care of her infant, but all I could think was that she was sending an absurd message to other professional women. No job is worth the risk to yourself and your new baby. We all need time to adjust to anything new in our home. Get a new kitten, you’ll need time. Find a cute puppy to make your life lovely, you will need time. I can see a person not being able to take time out for a kitten or a puppy, but your baby? That makes no sense. How do you explain to your adult child that you offloaded the effort to someone else because you were so obsessed with earning you couldn’t be bothered to take a few weeks off work? The offloading seems completely understandable if you are impoverished and must work to feed yourself and your new baby, but this woman was the CEO of a large tech company, I’m sure she was pulling in enough to afford a bit of time off. At one point she claimed that her priorities were God, family, and her company. Then she backtracked and said she wasn’t religious. But she didn’t backtrack far enough because she still listed family first.
I always chose direct care for my children. I carried them around all the time, didn’t let them cry, held them when I fed them, and sacrificed income so I could directly care for them, so I could nurture them and so that they would have a proper start in life. I’m not saying all that is required to raise children who are good citizens, they require a lot. Every parent is different. However, having high-value priorities results in high-value outcomes.
The effect that shame has on a person is mental and physical. The idea that we should have any feelings about our income, positive or negative that would impact our mental or physical health is silly. I think about the stories I heard about men jumping to their deaths when the stock market crashed in 1929. Imagine having such low self-worth that you attach your living, at all, is the same as having a flush bank account. Silly.
My point is that you may never earn over $400,000 annually and you don’t have to feel anything about it. If you are feeling as though you can’t afford the life you want, you’ll have to make changes, but you don’t have to throw yourself out a window. Nor do you have to make choices that sideline your family so you can feel “pride”. Your kids or your partner will appreciate time spent with you more than the money you earn.
When you read about what people regret at the end of life it’s always the path not taken, the love not expressed. I have never read about a person regretting that they didn’t work more, or earn more. And when it comes to the end I want to be sure I had all the experiences, that I spent time in a meaningful way with the people I love, and that I don’t have a lot of debilitating diseases because I did everything I could to remain as healthy as possible.
Intentional living means taking time to pursue activities that help you become a fully evolved human. Being creative, caring for someone you love, taking time to look at the sky, breathing in the air, and feeling grateful for the positive experiences you can have while living. It’s important to pursue these things and the people who enhance our outlook. I’m not saying you can’t do all that and earn big money, I’m saying you should figure out how to do it all, don’t set aside loving interactions whether the interaction is with another person or self-care. Never feel shame, shame is a waste of energy. Feel joy if you can or at least figure out your baseline of satisfaction and strive for that if you can’t get to the level of joy, today. Then tomorrow strive for joy.
