Image by Venita Oberholster from Pixabay of a courtroom and a jury
Have you ever served on a jury? I had jury duty for the first time last week and I feel like I need a support group to dissect everything that happened.
Veering from my typical path
I know I normally write about frugal and intentional living but this experience was monumental and I must write about it to better understand its impact on me. Thank you for your patience while I work this out. By the way, I also recorded a podcast about my experience, and it wasn’t enough!
The case involved a houseless woman who bought a car after saving money by recycling cans and bottles. She was robbed at knifepoint by a person she knows and his associate. She was stabbed four times in her right arm, her left thumb tendon was severed, she was dragged by the car as the thieves were driving away, she had road rash all along her back, she hit her head and needed eight staples to patch her up and her leg was run over which caused her muscles to detach from the bone which led to massive swelling that was repaired with a drain.
I learned a lot about myself and others from the experience, but I also regret about my participation. Let’s start with the negative and get it out of the way.
Bring on the stress
Jury duty is stressful. I was scared to serve because I didn’t know what to expect. I wasn’t the only one, my fellow jurors admitted to the loss of sleep and feeling stressed about the decision we were asked to make.
Jury duty is expensive. The state of Oregon does pay $10.00 per day for the first two days and $25.00 per day thereafter as well the state reimburses for mileage; however, there is no compensation for parking which in the downtown garage I parked in was $15.00 daily. The mileage reimbursement will just cover the cost of parking.
Jury duty requires judging an unknown person. This was the worst part of jury duty. I’m okay making decisions for my adult children because I volunteered to be responsible for them, but to make a decision that affects a stranger’s life is weird. It felt wrong in a way.
You have to work with people you don’t know. I was surprised when the others on the jury didn’t see what I thought was obvious. It took a lot of work to get some of the others to see the obviousness of the defendant’s guilt.
I’m no longer a kind person (for now)
It is hard to be kind-especially after the isolation of Covid-19 for the past several years. I’ve been working from home for just over a year, and that is really isolating. I have no local friends because I haven’t prioritized friends. The challenge I faced was being polite after having almost no social interaction recently. I found myself being rude and if feel ashamed of my blunt commentary. I was hungry most of the time, robbed of sleep due to the stress of the circumstances, and frankly, I found some of the arguments made by the others on the jury without logic.
What was positive about jury service was-
I believe juries get it right
Understanding how a jury works. I guess I had an idea of the process, but going through it helped me better understand how it works.
Seeing the genuine interest the jury had in getting it right. Eleven other people and I didn’t guess. We didn’t make assumptions. We looked at the facts as they were presented and went over them repeatedly. We took time to gather our thoughts and convene over multiple days. We took out responsibility very seriously.
Feeling good about our system especially when a jury is involved. I am heartened that our system of justice, while not perfect is really good. If a jury is involved I am certain they can get it wrong, however, I suspect most juries work well and make decisions based on facts with empathy for the victim and the defendant. In our circumstance, both the victim and the defendant are houseless individuals. It never came up that their living situation was relevant. What was relevant were the facts. That makes me feel that we were careful and fair.
I wished for a different outcome
I had a part of my heart that wanted it to be a hung jury because it was overwhelming, but in the end, we did our duty. I learned I am able to make really hard decisions that impact other people and that I’m careful, thoughtful, and responsible. Being held accountable for an adult person’s future feels wrong, but the person in this instance was guilty of a terrible and violent crime.
If I am called in for jury duty again, I hope I’m not selected because it was really awful. I feel like I have a lot to unpack. It might take a lot of time to overcome all the feelings I have about service.
I don’t feel guilty or bad about the verdict, I do feel ashamed of my bad personality. I come from a family that has always been good at formulating and voicing opinions. We are argumentative. I realize that my “pushy broad” demeanor is off-putting, and I believe that being isolated from society has robbed me of good manners.
The antidote to my bad personality is action
Since I can see that being socially isolated has had a negative impact on my personality, I’ve decided to take matters into my hands and join a couple of meet-up groups to help me ease back into society. Intentional living means that when you see flaws in your approach you take action to overcome the flaws.
When I notice that I’ve been lazy, I schedule a time to exercise. When I notice I haven’t been reading as much as I’d like to, I make sure to find books I want to read and read more. When I’ve soothed myself with retail therapy, I bring myself back to what I know works for me. No shopping, but meditating instead. If I have fallen off the healthy food wagon, I stop buying whatever I’ve indulged in and add more vegetables to my plate. That is how I maintain my intentions.
In this circumstance I plan to meditate about my bad personality traits and try to become a better person, I know I can do this because I’ve been better in the past, this is a phase, like most things, and it will pass. I plan to hang out with a group of like-minded individuals so that I can enjoy their company and thoughts. I started yesterday by getting together with friends and it was great.
None of us are perfect, but all of us can be honest when we look at ourselves and we all need improvement. Self-reflection can be a tool we use, but we have to be careful we don’t beat ourselves up. We must start with compassion, after all, if we start with compassion less can go wrong.
I have a book and a podcast about meditation and learning from your future self. I find the mediations helpful when I am stuck. You can buy my workbook on Amazon – “Your Future Self Workbook: A Time Travelers Manifestation Workbook for Intentional Well Being”
Check out the guided meditations on Spotify
