Learning to appreciate qualities versus possessions takes time. When I see my neighbors, family and friends with new cars, big houses, fancy jewelry or when I see that they have been on a great international trip, I feel envious. It’s worth exploring how to achieve admiration for personal qualities of others and ourselves. How can we accomplish this? We can learn from others.
Years ago I was touring a remote location in Peru. We had the good fortune of hiking past several small households each with a kitchen garden. Our traveling companion said hello to a gentleman who was working in his garden. After they had a brief conversation, our companion mentioned that the man he was speaking to had recently lost his wife. He was 100 years old, still working in his garden outside his modest home. When I consider all the changes he witnessed over the 100 years he lived and the experiences he had with his wife I recognize that my concerns over my out of style shoes will have little impact on my contribution and service to my community. My belongings have no impact on the joy I experience in my life. When our traveling companion told us his story, he never once mentioned the gentleman’s possessions, he mentioned his wife, his daily routine and that he still worked in his garden at 100 years old. That is how I want to move through the world, with people I love reflecting my life of activities and relationships, not my nice car.
Frugal living offers freedom of choice
When I decided to change careers and dedicate myself to writing, I felt scared. I still feel scared. I’m not earning, and earning has been a measure of my success. How can I prove to myself and others that what I do for a living has meaning if I don’t have a paycheck to support this notion? I decided that in ten years, when I look back on this challenging time, what I own, how much I earn, or how much I can show off to my friends won’t have as much impact on my self esteem as knowing that I have pursued tasks that contribute to others wellness. I feel confident that eventually I will have an income. My lifestyle allows me to take this risk. A mature mentor said, “Commit to your passion and let the chips fall where they may.” Will I be successful? What will be the measure of that success? The measure for me will be to earn enough to pay my expenses, and to continue to work in a manner that I can sustain as I age.
Had I decided to follow a safe path, I would still be working in a salaried position as a sales manager for a large hotel conference center. I would be making good money; I would enjoy just two weeks every year for vacation. I would be commuting for an hour and a half each day. I would be miserable. I didn’t feel that the work I was doing had meaning for me. Contributing to the betterment of my society feels meaningful. In ten years I am sure that I will have impacted at least one person with my words. I’m sure that in twenty plus years as a sales manager I had little impact on anyone. Yes, I was effective in my position, but ultimately, providing event space and guest rooms to corporate clients for conferences seems inconsequential when viewing the big picture. Any sales person at any conference center could accomplish this task, and it the client would be as happy with one as the other. The work rarely varied, and required little creative thought. The work didn’t feed my soul, but it did feed my bank account. Choosing my heart over my bank account is hard, but in ten years the choice will have been worth it.
A life of purpose
With a frugal approach I am able to pursue work that has deep meaning. When I’m a very old woman I suspect I will look back at this time with fondness. I’m able to take time to care for myself with exercise and healthy meals. I have time to meditate. My cat and I cuddle each day for twenty minutes to an hour. The cuddle time has been a revelation. I have a hard time relaxing; I have a hard time taking time to do nice things for myself. But learning to be calm and taking care of my senior cat each day has allowed me to think, to concentrate, to consider how I will spend the remainder of my day, week, month or year. I also get the benefit of cuddling, which improves my mental health.
When you begin evaluating your life, and your possessions, remember that in ten years you won’t remember what blouse you wore. You won’t have feelings about the car you drove. You will remember the hard times, and the successes. It’s worth pursuing a life of contribution versus a life of things. Your belongings will never make you feel better about yourself, in fact possessions are almost always a burden that must be dealt with. But when you impact another person in a positive way, you will remember and they will too.
Try this exercise
Here is an exercise to help you appreciate qualities you admire in yourself. It’s a great exercise to conduct if you feel you are focused on your stuff as a social prop, versus focusing on the quality of your character as a social force that propels you forward in your relationships.
Take a moment to jot down the names of a few people you know and admire. List the qualities they have that you like. This is a pretty easy task for most of us. We adore our friends because they are smart, or funny. We love our children because they fill our heart. We have admiration for the athletes and artists in our lives. Taking time to recognize attributes in your friends and yourself is an important exercise. When we list the qualities and recognize the struggles our loved ones have overcome, we begin to appreciate how much their personalities are what we love. Even when you are considering the very “lucky” people you know, the folks who have many resources, it isn’t the resources you admire. It won’t be the car they drive, the home they own that attracts you. It is the quality personality you admire. The purpose of this exercise is to help you understand that it is the quality of character that leads you to love people, and that you have admirable qualities as well.
Once you are done with your list of most admired people, make a new list of the qualities you have that you admire. This can be challenging. Introspection can help guide you on a path that you hadn’t considered. That path may be scary, or delightful, but knowing who you are and what you want to develop in yourself can make you better at being the person you are meant to be.
If you are having a hard time consider one thing you love doing. Most of the time things we love to do are things we are good at. Typically there will be several tasks encompassed within that love. List the skills your loved task requires. This should help get you started.
For example, I am a good cook. I admire my ability to put together a balanced healthy meal affordably. I can create a meal from what I have in my pantry. I love that when I make lunch each day, I’m fueling myself and my spouse with the best possible options to keep us going, keep us active, help our aging bodies stay fit and keep my pocket book full.
I like that I practice mindfulness. I’m dedicated to controlling my impulses. I have food cravings, sometimes I want a donut. But I use self control; I don’t run to the store and get a donut just because I have a thought that a donut would be good. I wait to see if that desire fades into the back ground. Sometimes it does, most often though it lingers and after a few months I’ll get a donut. The donut is almost never as good as I imagine it will be. What is good as I imagine it to be is the good feeling I get from holding off for a while. Looking back at the times I thought a bag of potato chips would be delicious, but I waited and chose not to buy them, and engage in a potato chip binge. There is a satisfaction in self control that I admire in myself.
List your qualities
Surely you have qualities of dedication to your chosen area of interest. List your qualities and recognize that your qualities are what you have to offer others. It’s not your car, or your handbag that others love, it’s your skills, dedication, your contribution that others see in you that inspires them to be better at what they choose to focus on. If you can begin with this idea of personal achievement as an admirable quality perhaps the next time you feel the urge to bust our your credit card to buy an item to impress, you will remember that you are impressive because of who you are and not because of what you have.
If you need more ideas about frugal living you can pre-order my book “Never Worry About Money Again: Gain Financial Freedom by Becoming Better at Managing the Money You Have” due out in print and eBook February 2023. If you aren’t ready to commit to reading my book keep learning more about my experience, and how you can become a ‘frugalite’. You can subscribe to my blog below, and you can check out my podcast on Spotify “Paige Power”
